Well, God is good, isn't He? It's been so long since I've really FELT His presence....kind of like the song goes ".....We cannot separate. You're part of me and though You're invisible, I'll trust the unseen. I cry out with no reply and I CAN'T feel you by my side, but I'll hold tight to what I know: You're here and I'm never alone."
I knew that the wall was built by none other than my sinful self and tried many times to demolish it in my own strength. So sad, huh? Why do we do such stupid things? It's like banging my head against a brick wall over and over and over again and then suddenly the bell rings and I get it.....ONLY GOD CAN 'GIT ER DONE'.....ya know? I really need to fine tune my dependency skills. I try to do so much on my own and try to make it happen the way I think it should. How silly! I do pray for help, but then I continue in my self-imposed struggle as though I'm utterly alone. It's like He's been there the whole time and I kept trying to shove Him out of the way and say, "Hey, I got this one!" Who am I to fight with the Almighty? LOL
So today, as I was reading the Bible I realized that I AM FORGIVEN. I can't go back and change the mistakes I've made in the past, but I can lean on Him for every step from this day forward. Past mistakes don't mean that I MUST continue on into this whirlpool until I am sucked down and completely drowned. (which is what I've been feeling like lately) Despite my sin, despite the economy, despite the black hole that this country is becoming....THERE IS HOPE! I realized this morning, there is still hope. No matter how bad things get, I will still see my Saviour face-to-face one day and live in the most beautiful of places forever and ever with Him. Next thought? Do I want to, at that very moment, look back on my life and see it filled with struggles against a sinful nation and money (or the lack thereof)??? NO! I want to see myself not worrying about those things, but the important stuff like how I lived my life, how I was with others, how I raised my children, what kind of wife I was to my husband, what kind of friend I was, what kind of daughter.....and so on.
Blessings. God is so wonderful. Sometimes I look at others and think, "Wow. They are really blessed. How come I'm not blessed like that? What did they do so right that I did so wrong to deserve/not deserve _____?" Again. S-T-U-P-I-D! Those are most often the ramblings of a baby Christian, which I'm not and cannot use as an excuse. How selfish and how utterly stupid. I AM blessed...and He has really SUPER blessed me this week. Ya know what? He blesses me ALL THE TIME! I just don't stop and smell the roses long enough to "count it" as a blessing! Jesus is the only good thing in me....I know, another song quote, but it really tells it like it is.
My MIL is taking my girls school shopping this weekend. That is HUGE! She and dh's dad are treating the girls to a weekend with them as well. They have a pool and every movie you can imagine and their place is beautiful and just really fun to hang out at! (I know, that sentence is about as grammatically incorrect as they come, but it's late, I'm tired, and excited all at the same time!) The girls are SUPER excited as well. How fun! What a tremendous blessing.
Guess what else? My mom stopped by the house after work today and dropped off.....A BRAND NEW PRESSURE CANNER!!!! I mentioned before that I've been canning and preserving as much as possible. I don't own a pressure canner and they are pretty expensive. My parents are not well off by any means...my father no longer works due to dementia, yet hasn't gotten SS yet, so they are living on my mom's income. My relationship with my mom (actually step but really the only one I've had since I was 7) has not always been good and was actually really horrible growing up. We've grown close over the last 13 years, along with some ups and downs, but I just can't even put into words what this gift meant to me, coming from her. All she asks is I give her a can of something I make. It's a blessing far beyond the canner itself....the look on her face and the hug and the "I love you" that came with it are worth far more to me than the canner could ever be. I hope to get to canning some goodies VERY soon! :0)
Another blessing.....someone left a bag of home-grown apples at the church. It had been there 3 nights and the ladies kept trying to send it home with me (asking that I make an apple pie and bring it for us to share ;o) ) so I finally brought it home tonight. I think I'll have enough for a pie and to make some apple butter as well. Yum! Another huge blessing we'll be enjoying with homemade rolls on a cold winter evening someday soon. Mmmmm.
I just wanted to share a little bit and sort of make myself accountable in a way. I am leaving myself with no excuses. God is counting on me to allow His Spirit to guide me, so there's no reason for the continuous wallowing in the pool of bad decisions past. No, nobody's perfect, but I actually feel clean and whole again and am not going to allow myself to treat that flippantly.
If this post makes ZERO sense to you, please forgive me. Just the random ramblings of one radically blessed, released from stress, VBS-ing, exhausted woman!