A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes.....

Ring a bell? Think Disney's Cinderella, LOL!

When one door closes, another opens....we use this to reassure ourselves time and again that all will right itself eventually.
Last week was a rough week with pets. I took in a kitten to help out a friend...a kitten that had been born, then deserted immediately by it's mother. I nursed it for 3 days....even wiping it's bottom with a wet paper towel to make it potty. (Did you know you HAVE to do that or it will die? EW!)
It passed on anyway after 3 days.
Then we lost our Blue Heeler, Zeke. We have come to the conclusion that he was run over. Why do people not stop??? It would be so much better if they told us when it happened...if they showed ANY sign of remorse. He lived through it, only to die the next day due to internal injuries.

And then.....
I haven't told many people this....it's too silly to even mention in casual conversation, but I've ALWAYS wanted a Maltese puppy. They are so cuddly and fun. AND THEY DON"T SHED!!! (good for those of us with allergies!) They are VERY intelligent and just an overall very good choice for a house/lap dog. One problem....they run from $500-$700. YIKES!!! I stopped pricing them about 5 years ago when it became apparent that I would never find one I could afford. I could never and would never pay that for a dog. (Well, who's to say what I WOULD or WOULD NOT do if I had that kind of money to just throw around....I may never know, LOL!)
God knows our hearts and our desires, though....even the silly ones. :0)
I get several daily digests in my email from different homeschooling groups that I belong to. On one there came a post about a Maltese puppy for sale. I immediately jumped on the post and saw that it said "make an offer" and so I did. I made a very meager offer of about 1/10 of what the dog was worth (I had a little birthday money)...but offered a loving home as well. I didn't get my hopes up, LOL. After sending the email, I noticed that there was a website mentioned where you could see pics of the pup, so I looked it up. When I saw the pics I looked and looked. Only when I looked again a little later did I see the side note that said something along the lines of "Price Reduced $400 OBO." ZOINKS! I was embarrassed that I had even sent my meager offer, sure that the owner/dealer would get a good laugh, though! I would never have sent it if I had seen the note first. I NEVER expected to hear back from these people. However, the next day (or day after that one, not sure) I received a phone call. The puppy was mine to come pick up. Say WHAT?! Yep....mine. I couldn't believe it and tried not to get my hopes up. We were on our way to see Fireproof and go out to dinner with our Sunday School class when I got the call, so I made arrangements to pick up the pup the next afternoon (Sunday). All the way there I was just hoping and praying this man would not suddenly change his mind and break my heart. When I got there, the family was SO nice. The man said that God works in mysterious ways. Yes, He most certainly does. My daughters have made comments this week on how great it is to see how much God loves us and cares about our needs...and our wants. Even the silly ones.

Meet Frodo...(at least I THINK that's what I'm naming him!)...
Or Grizzly? (because he THINKS he's a grizzly bear)

(Roo took this pic....she tried really hard! (o: )
Or Bouncer, because when he gets really excited he bounces more than runs.

Or Peedie (Scottish for small/little) He makes Snickers look like a giant! :0D

Or Rascal....self explanatory! Ha, ha, ha!

By the way, "Frodo" came from the movie, Lord of the Rings. For those of you who haven't seen the movie or read the books, Frodo is a hobbit, which is defined as a "smallish being with hairy feet." That fits this dog pretty well, LOL! The only problem is it sounds like "No, No!" and I don't want him to be confused. ???

Let me know what you think!

Thanks and have a great night!!!

P.S.
Frodo lays in my lap, sleeping mostly, or trying to "type" while I'm blogging...it's so cute! He says goodnight, too! :0)

The Ballerina Turns 13

Oh my! 13....I'm feeling old, now!

This is the gang that rang in the celebration of the ballerina's 13th birthday.
Let me explain, LOL!
She wanted to have an 80's theme party at Roller City (a skating rink). So....it's her birthday and that's what we did! The girls loved it. All but one dressed up (and I don't blame her!).
They had an absolute BLAST!

Junior tries to remember how to stand on these wheels...she never really did well...finally gave up and went in sock feet, LOL!

K skates her booty off ALL night!

Worn out, she collapses on the wall in front of where I'm taking pictures. She's so happy! :0)

I absolutely LOVE this pic! This SO could have been my own birthday. It was like walking back in time. I don't think I really miss the 80's, though...mismatched clothes, teased BIG hair....blue eye shadow galore....LOL!

Nope...they weren't even playing "Locomotion"....they just did it!

Believe it or not, these pics have a story behind them. When we arrived at the skating rink, the moment the girls stepped out of the van there were kids hanging out who yelled "Freaks!" So nasty! Funny thing was....THEY were wearing tutus, tiaras, and sucking flashing pacifiers. Who are THEY to call my 80's girls freaks?!!! By the way....the tutus are on BOYS! Boys with green hair and make-up like the band KISS. CRAZY! I grabbed this pic later on when we were inside. I was sitting taking pics of the girls skating by and just managed to turn and get these guys. Thought you could use a good laugh!!! :0)

13 Candles.....

Her cupcake cake is upside down in this pic....it was a big flower.
Ya know...it's not that bad.....yet. LOL 13, that is. I'm so proud of the young woman of God that she is becoming. She has a genuine passion for loving others and lifting them up. She's so kind (except to her sisters sometimes, LOL!). She's growing up, and while that is sad, I couldn't be happier about who she's becoming. I feel so blessed to be able to be part of this....to watch her blossom and bloom. Let's just hope this lasts after "Charlie" comes!!! ;0P

Latest Deals and Sad News

I had to go to town on Tuesday, so I stopped by Walgreens again with 2 Visine coupons for $2 off each in hand. I used those with the $2 off in the Easy Saver booklet and got them for free.

While I was waiting for my 2 older girls to be done at the orthodontist today I walked over to Target and picked up 2 trial size bottles of Tylenol, free after my $1/1 coupons. I also bought 3 boxes of Electrosol Gel Pacs. They are normally $3.69 (at Target) and I had 3 $2.25/1 coupons. That made them $1.44 each, which is extremely cheap when that is all I can use. We have CRAZY hard water around here.

Zeke, our blue heeler, died today. He was fine last night when I closed up the house to go to bed. This morning Roo, curious cat that she is, wondered why he hadn't come out from under the porch like he normally does to eat his "breakfast" if you will. She started freaking out, yelling "There are worms going in and out of his neck!" Yeah. Say what? So I went to check it out. He wouldn't move. BUT his chest was going up and down, so he was still breathing. I went and got DH out of bed and we checked him out. His eyes were dilated and we thought he was breathing his last. He still wouldn't get up. His front right leg appeared to be broken and he couldn't seem to maneuver his back side at all. I got him some water. He lapped it up like crazy, so there was hope, right? I watched him for a while. DH said there was no point in taking him to the vet. He would either get better throughout the day or he would pass. An hour later I went to check on him and he had moved!!! I was so excited! The kids were excited and hopeful. We gave him more water and he lapped that up. We had to leave for our appointments today, so we said a prayer. When we got home he had passed on. So heartbreaking. It seems no matter how many pets/animals we lose on the farm, each one hurts. Each are very missed.

So tonight, we say goodbye to Zeke. There just has to be an animal heaven for timid, loving dogs like him.

The Grocery Game Part II

Made a last minute run to Walgreen's yesterday to snag some of their expiring deals.
Fruictise Shampoo and Conditioners 3/$10.00
I bought 6=$20.00
6 $1/1 coupons=$14.00
$10.00 cash rebate= $4.00
total cost for me: $4.00

Colgate Toothpaste: $2.99
I bought 2
$2.00 off each with in-ad coupon= $1.98
I had 2 $0.75 off each coupons (couldn't find the $1.00 off each coupons that I thought I had)
total cost for me: $0.48 for 2 tubes of toothpaste

Visine: $3.99 each
I bought 3 (DH uses them a lot)
Easy Saver Coupon Book had $2.00 off each=$1.99 each
I had 3 $1.00 off each coupons= $0.99 each
total cost for me: $2.97 for 3 bottles.

Total ending cost before coupons and rebates: $37.95
Total cost after coupons and rebates: $7.45

I'm proud of my savings, but a little disappointed because if I would have had the correct coupons my total would have been $2.97. This is still a great deal, though, and will keep us stocked up on shampoo/conditioner, toothpaste, and visine for a while. (I have 3 girls with long hair...we go through the shampoo/conditioner around here! LOL)

Since I was in town we went ahead and stopped back by WM because I had printed off some online coupons for Johnson's products. I got 4 more Johnson's Bath Buddies Soaps for free plus overage (including discount) of $0.48. They bought me a candy bar. :0)
Now...off to look over the ads for this week....although this is not my grocery week, so it has to be freebies or nearly freebies. Have fun and good luck with your deals this week! Feel free to post in the comments any good deals you come across and want to share with the rest of us!

Bye, Bye Kitty

Well, the kitty didn't make it. At least we had 3 fun days of cuddling. I'm not sure why he didn't make it, other than nature itself. Like I mentioned in another post, sometimes you can do everything right and follow all the rules, but things don't go the way we think they "ought to." I found myself questioning everything I had done in the 72 hours we had him. Did I feed him too much? Did I medicate him too much? Did he get too hot with the heating pad (therefore literally cooking him)? The questions are as endless as the possible answers. In the end, to have some closure, I had to apologize to God and ask His forgiveness for not being a good replacement for this baby's mother. You know what I realized? God created each creature in it's kind to be cared for in a certain way. Sometimes those creatures go against God's design...they, like us, have a choice to ignore their natural instincts. I had done the best I could, but would never be the nurturer that this kitty needed or that God had created to take care of it.
This led to another thought process of, "How many times have I gone against God's natural plan for me?" Wow...hard to answer this side of heaven....scary to think of how high that number might actually be. I hope and pray and seek God's will each day, asking that He keep me in line, but how often has my knee-jerk reaction been to make a decision based on my feelings or what I know? Far too many, I'm afraid. I'm so thankful that He stays so close by my side.

I had a birthday recently and realized that wisdom really does come with age. Maybe not "worldly" wisdom, but definitely God-ly wisdom. This is not to imply that I am wise, but definitely wiser than I was 10 years ago. Wow...that person existed in reality? Hard to believe, looking back. I'm so glad and thankful that God has drawn me and continues to draw me ever closer to Him. May we all follow His natural design for our lives.

The Grocery Game

$$$$SAVINGS$$$$

This post is for those of you (us) who play the grocery game. I've been watching another blog or two do this for some time, but have never posted any of my "great finds" simply because I do 2 weeks worth of shopping at a time and it becomes difficult to know how much you are actually saving. I "ad match" a LOT of stuff, use tons of coupons (only for products I already use/need or if it makes it basically free), and receive the employee discount at our WM. (10% off non grocery items, produce, and "junk" food items (candy, gum, etc.---although I try not to buy this stuff).
The receipts don't show the price difference when you ad match, they only show what you are paying for it with the match. I do know that I spend roughly what most of my friends spend for 1 week, but I only spend it every 2 weeks. We also have a garden and that helps.
Anyway...this post is about my trip to a small local grocery store called Sav-Mart (not sure they are a national chain).
Here's the booty:1 gallon Whole Milk (the only milk my dh will drink): $2.99 gal
4lb bag of generic sugar: $1.97
3 1lb. 10.5 oz cans of Hunts Spaghetti Sauce: $0.88/each total: $2.64
5 Ramen Noodles: $0.10/ each total: $0.50
2 rolls Generic Paper Towels: $0.50/each total $1.00
2 pkg. Bar S Jumbo Franks, 1lb, $0.78/each total: $1.56
2 1lb. rolls Carolina Pride Pork Sausage: $0.78/each total: $1.60
5lb. Russet Potatoes: $1.69
4 packages boneless skinless chicken breasts @ $1.48/lb, various weights totaling 6.67lb for $9.88 (usually pay $7 for 2.5 lb. frozen store brand bag).
I don't know what the total savings were, exactly, but the total before tax was : $23.79

My next stop was a local bakery discount store of sorts- McKee Company Store (the make Little Debbies, Sunbelt items, etc.) I purchased a loaf of Ozark Hearth Wheatberry bread for $1.39, a package of 6 Whole Wheat Ozark Hearth Sub Rolls for $0.79, a box of Swiss Cake rolls for $0.50, a box of German Chocolate Cookies for $0.50, and a package of Spice Cakes for $0.50. My total was $4.07 before taxes.This was from my big trip to WM with some coupons and tips courtesy of moneysavingmom.com
3 Johnson's Buddie's Soaps normally $0.97/each, used $3.00 off 3 from coupon insert in 9/14 paper
1 package Kotex Pads normally $1.00, used $1 off any 1 Kotex product from moneysavingmom.com

Now...those of you who know that I've had a hysterectomy might wonder at the pads. I will remind you that I have 3 daughters, one of which is turning 13 on Friday (yikes!). :0)After the coupons and discount, WM paid ME $0.48 to take these items off their hands! Anytime, anytime....no problem! ;o)

Butterflies and Kitty Cats

Butterflies: God's most beautiful creation?

I've always thought so. God has been revealing Himself to me in new and wonderful, unexpected ways recently. Just noticing the beauty that surrounds me is one of them. I walked out on my porch and noticed these two amazingly beautiful creatures fluttering around my Cannes. After watching for a bit I called for the girls to come see. While we were watching them, they seemed to disappear for a moment, then reappear and fly right up in front of us so we could get a better look. It was an awe inspiring moment for us all and we all proclaimed how "cool" God is and thoughtful to bless us with just such an opportunity. Honestly, I've never seen butterflies this color. It was just too wonderful, so I , of course, had to go grab my camera and get some pics. Meet our blessings....

In my devotions this morning, my "assigned reading" was Psalm 37. It spoke to me, so close to my heart....reassuring to say the least. I was also reminded how God deals with each of us differently, but with no less love than another. The same passage of scripture can mean two completely different things to different people, yet minister to them each right where they are at that very moment. Yes, God IS amazing.

Now...kitty cats. This blessed little life was given to me to try to nurse to health. It's mother, for whatever reason, never had even the slightest instinct to care for it. Yet here he is....now just over 24 hours old. The girls named him Boots b/c right now he has white feet, a white belly and under his chin. I hope he makes it, but I'm also reminded that sometimes we can do everything right, follow all the "rules" for care, and still, it just might not thrive. I'm trying to prepare my girls for this, but they can't see past the excitement of it all just yet.

I needed to weigh him to see how much he was SUPPOSED to be eating....he was a little small for the bathroom scale, so I found the next best thing. :0) Please ignore the messy kitchen in the background.

He only weighs 2 ounces!!!

I never thought I would experience the feeling of such a helpless little thing being so entirely dependent on me for it's life again.

The girls are learning a lot through this experience as well. The butterflies are our nature science project for the week, too. I love homeschooling! ;o)

Have a great Friday all!

Sunshine and SONshine

Psalm 5:11
"But let all those that take refuge in thee rejoice,
Let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them:
Let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee."

Isn't it nice to start out with God's Holy Word? It's how I start my day, so why not start my blog with it? Hopefully it will be just what someone needed to hear (read) to make their day a little brighter and remind them that God is our refuge.

Anyway... I recently (before the fair) got to meet my newest niece...isn't she beautiful???

Jaslyn certainly is fond of her. She wasn't willing to give her up! LOL

This one really gets me. This is my baby, holding a baby. My baby will be 13 in 10 short days. Where did the years go? I remember when she looked so much like this little one...wasn't that just the other day???

And Roo, of course, who loves babies as well. I remember when I had Junior, she would rush right in from school, wash her hands, then climb up on the couch with the boppy and stretch out her arms. She would hold her for hours (or as long as I let her).

Hmmm. I didn't really want to post this pic b/c I don't look so great (and daughter took the pic), but I sure do love my little niece! :0)

This is niece #1...she does NOT stand still long enough to get a good pic. She doesn't like the camera, either. She turns away every time she sees it! LOL Lil' bugger! ;0)

I'm so glad that the last few days have produced much sunshine. My soul needed it. So did my family! We have enjoyed playing and reading outside every day. I love the changing of the seasons. When I was a child, I thought summer would forever be my favorite season because I love to swim. Now I don't know that I really have a favorite. I love spring when everything turns green and grows and blossoms, and I love summer for the gardens and water play and picnicking; I love fall for the beautiful autumn colors of the Ozarks and the welcome cooler temps after summer (except this year's summer was rather nice and mild). Winter. Well, I like to cuddle up by the fireplace with coffee or tea and a good book and I like to play in the snow. However, around here we have seemed to get just mostly cold temps the last few years....and ice...lots of ice. THAT I don't care for. Phooey on cold and ice. I don't like to be cold. I hope when I'm old that I can spend the winters either somewhere where it is TRULY winter with lots of snow, or on a beach in sunny Florida!!! LOL

So, what is your favorite season?

My Heart Condition

I posted recently about the family issues that have arisen. I found out this past week that my nephew was in ICU for a few days. His blood pressure dropped to 70/30. They are controlling it now with a drip, but also think he may have an infection in his heart. They can't do anything invasive right now b/c of his low white cell count.

"Under attack" doesn't begin to describe the status of my life right now. My dad was diagnosed with dementia July 3, a member of my husband's family was diagnosed with diabetes shortly thereafter. All of this with my "prodigal" mother began only a couple weeks ago (if that long). On my birthday some major drama entered my life....which has altered me forever. However, I know that the Lord has it in His hands. I've been reminded of Job in my prayer and weeping over these issues, but am thankful that my immediate family (dh and children) are all well. I am praying a wall of protection around them. Satan must be really scared. I was praying with another and going to make it a regular thing to meet and pray, but Satan attacked that, too.
My mom (step-mom, but mom for all intensive purposes) has injured her back to the point of spending 4 hours in the E.R. yesterday (Saturday).
No matter what, on Christ the SOLID Rock I stand!!! Amazingly, I have an inner peace that shocks even myself. In the midst of the storm, much like the hurricane many have experienced, there is a calm, strong, central Force....Christ our Savior and Lord. Without Him and His grace, I would be lost....I'm scared of where I would be without His loving and tender arms that have held me these past few days and weeks.

There are a couple of songs that the Lord has used to speak to me and soothe my aching heart. He has placed numerous scriptures on my heart reminding me that He's there, He cares, and He is still in control.

2 Tim 1: 7 "He has not given us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and soundness of mind."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have oppression, but cheer up! I have overcome the world."

There's a song by Superchick, called "Crawl (Carry Me Through)" and I tried to find it to add to my playlist, but I guess it's not been made available. It is where my heart is at right now, so I thought I would share some of the lyrics....

"How long will this take? How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches, I don't know what to do.
I bend but don't break, and somehow I'll get through
'cause I have You....

And if I had to crawl, well You'd crawl too.
I stumble and I fall. Carry me through.
The wonder of it all is You see me through.

Oh, Lord, where are You? Do not forget me here.
I cry in silence. Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me and hope has disappeared
You find me here....

And when I have to crawl, well You crawl too
I stumble and I fall, carry me through.
The wonder of it all is You see me through.

When everything I was is lost, I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me.
When everything I was is lost, I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
You have not lost me.

And if I had to crawl, well You'd crawl, too.
I stumble and I fall, carry me through.
The wonder of it all is You see me through....."

It's beautiful. For those of you with high speed, I found a piece of the song on youtube...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwq7FjMu4AA

Anyway...when I feel I'm being shredded to bits by the gnashing teeth of vicious wolves, I remember that God my Father and Friend is right beside me, and He knows the truth, and will make it known....in His time. Meanwhile, He rocks me and holds me and "sees me through".....

Job 3:24 "In place of my food I have grief, and cries of sorrow come from me like water..."

Psalm 59:16 "But I will make songs of your power, yes I will give cries of joy for your mercy in the morning; because you have been my strength and my high tower in the day of my trouble."

I have uploaded another song to my playlist called "Irene" by Toby Mac. There are many parts of it that have spoken to me in recent days as well.

"...you've got to reach up to touch rock bottom,
the powers that be keep you down trodden
daughter of Zion, I heard your prayer
just cast your cares and please beware of snakes,
they come in all shapes and sizes
tempt you, put scales on your eyelids
don't waste your sorrows, they give you strength tomorrow
Recovery's about to come soon
Keep your head up, don't you ever let up
The storm will pass; you'll be ready for the next one

Hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders,
don't say that it's over
I heard your prayers
just cast your cares and I'll be there
so don't you fear.....

....rest in Me and I'll give you strength...

....everything's gonna be alright......"


I feel the Lord drawing me close to Him and I know that He is growing me. I see now that I had become too dependent on "man" and was not taking my everyday troubles, issues, and thoughts to Him as I once did. I'm so glad that He has removed the scales from my eyelids that I may see and correct this. I never want to neglect my Lord. I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that He allows these trials as growing experiences and that He loves me. I know that He weeps when I weep, and he feels my pain.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Yes....He is and He does.....

I'm clinging to Him and I'll not ever let go. I hope and I pray that I'll never take my eyes off Him again, not for a second!

Benton County Fair 2008

Well, the fair came, we conquered, and now we are just plain pooped!

Junior and Roo did so well, and we are very proud of them!!!

Junior shows her goat who's boss!

Roo has always had "the touch" when it comes to animals. They are drawn to her like a horse to water.

Roo took 2nd in her weight category.

It was a VERY exciting week, albeit an exhausting one. The girls all entered many crafts and won several first place ribbons. These pics aren't very good, something about the lighting in that livestock building I guess....

Thanks to all who supported the girls by coming and visiting the shows and exhibits!!!

Family

I wrote this the other day, debating on posting it, but have since decided that in order to post updates, I'll have to give this background info as well........

"So...part of me wants to help her. Part of me wants to go to her new "home" and do what daughters do for their aging, abandoned mothers. Another part of me does not want to restart this relationship. She can be......so difficult to befriend. I have prayed about it (much of last night) and I know she needs me and God needs me to be there for her, no matter the past. It really doesn't make the task easier, though. *sigh*

I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that God is and will continue to use this situation for His purposes-for BOTH of us. I'm sure my rough edges need the sanding. She needs someone to be there for her, when there seems to be no one. She has 4 biological children. The oldest has been out of state and out of touch for over 10 years. The next to oldest, well.....that's a whole other story, but she's not in the picture much either. My brother is on the east coast and doesn't contact but every year or two (at least that is what my dad gets, if he's lucky). So that leaves me. It seems to be that way with my dad, too, who was diagnosed with dementia in July. He has 2 biological, 2 adopted, and 2 step children. Of them all, I am the only one willing to help. *another sigh*

So....there sets the struggle...mostly emotional. Do I go by today? Do I give an inch so she can take a mile? Do I try to see just how bad it really is (through the fog of her exaggerating ways)??? Argh.


I have since been in contact with one of my sisters and 2 of my nieces. My 16 year old nephew is in OU Children's Hospital dying from a rare and potent form of leukemia. I say dying b/c I was told Saturday morning that his long term wasn't to be hoped upon.....

There's so much more, but I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted, so I simply don't have the energy to type it all out right now. This is also fair week so we will be EXTREMELY busy and I might be "absent" for the week. Just didn't want anyone to think I fell off the face of the earth. ;0)

Thank you SO VERY much to all who are praying and for all the wonderful words of encouragement....it all means so very much to me. Really, you have no idea how refreshing it is to sit back and realize that my biological family may be the craziest ever, but my family of Christian friends.....there's barely even words to describe the gratitude I have towards you and God for bringing each of you into my life..... I love you all.
Goodnight.

Just Who Do YOU Run Into in Wal Mart?

Ah, the joys of WM. It's the place we all dread to go, knowing we will come out with far more than we went in for, and having spent more time doing it than we wanted to because, heaven knows, this is the one place that you can run into old boyfriends, elementary school chums, and the everyday meet-n-greet friends that you bump into. Don't get me wrong, we all love seeing these people, but it DOES increase our time spent shopping. None-the-less, this is not the topic I am going to write on.
Unless you have recently run into Madonna in WM (or another star of equal fame), then I've got you beat. Today I ran into my mother. Mother? you ask. Yes. Mother. Why would that be odd? For starters, I have had no contact with the woman for 5 years, 6 months, and 23 days. Easier put, since the moment I began delivering (pushing) during my last child birth. Yep. That's right. She left angry that I would not let her stay in the delivery room with me. How could I be so cold, you ask? Well, this woman did not raise me. She abandoned me at the ripe old age of 8, only to visit my life at about 15 (actually I tracked HER down), and then again after the birth of my first child (5 months after) when I tracked her down AGAIN thinking she might want to meet her grandchild. You can say we were never close and that would be putting it mildly, since she just is not maternal in any way, shape, or form. From then we had an off again/on again relationship. It consisted mostly of letters and phone calls. I simply wanted to know her before she died. (She was 40 when she had me, so that makes her..... LOL!) I tried to look past all her odd little quirks and strange rigidness (especially with her step-children from her 4th marriage). She chose not to be around or visit during or after the birth of my second child. I guess it was just too far to drive (she lived in Springdale and I lived in Little Kansas, Oklahoma). I tried to go see her as often as I could with 2 very small children. When I did move back to Arkansas things didn't really change much. She said she couldn't afford the gas to drive over to see me (now in Gentry) and this was in 2001 before the price hikes of fuel started. During my 3rd pregnancy we often discussed the fact that she was invited to be at the hospital for the birth, but from the beginning I made it clear that there would only be 2 people in the delivery room with me- my husband and his mother. His mother needed to be there b/c he doesn't deal with the sight of blood well and I couldn't help him if he passed out (which he almost did when they simply started the I.V.!). My step-mother had been with me for the previous 2 births, but she and I had been having some issues in our relationship, so I didn't "invite" her to be in the room. HOWEVER, after my baby's heart stopped mid-labor, I was scared and called my step-mom in. This is the woman who has raised me since the age of 8...did she do it perfectly? No, who does?! Was it as if I were her own? No, but we all make mistakes and we do the best we can. Still, this is the woman who was there when it really mattered.
My "mother" insisted that she stay in the room. She had to be escorted out. Outside the door, as I was beginning to push, I heard her yelling and cussing at the doctor. That poor man. She got into it with my dad in the lobby and apparently left the building swearing she'd never forgive me or talk to me again....all as my child was being introduced to this world.
I made phone calls a couple weeks later and spoke with my then step-dad, who said the ball was in her court and she would contact me if and when she "could" get over it. I never heard from her. I saw her once and she ignored me. I wrote. I sent cards and pics. I wondered if they were in the bottom of a trash can....you'd just have to know this bizarre woman whose blood I share (scary thought).
Well, that was her.....in MY Wal Mart today. I won't tell her sad story about why she's back in town b/c it truly is a sad and pathetic story and I do have compassion for her situation. But it's so odd! She really acted as if nothing were wrong or out of the ordinary. Like I was an old friend/aquaintance that she hadn't seen in 5 YEARS!!! At first I was angry, then weepy, then just shocked that I am even related to this woman. Now I am pondering what God has in mind for me. I know she's been brought back into my life for a reason, I'm just not sure I'm big enough to handle it.

If you've read this far, God bless you and your sympathetic ear (eyes). I'm just emotionally frustrated for so many more reasons than I could ever list in a simple blog post. I don't know whether to be mad/sad/sorry or what. It DOES feel better to simply "get it out" though. Thanks to all my sincerest friends who listen (read).